While I was born in Indiana, I was not raised here. We moved after kindergarten to California, and kept moving around until I was in 4th grade. So pretty much I grew up in California (both northern & southern), but returned to Indiana for college, and just stayed. For me, one of the reasons I stayed in Indiana was probably my experiences in high school.
In early August I started getting notices about my 40th High School Reunion. I had heard it was coming, I had seen some “Save the Date” posts on social media. I learned a lot about myself after attending my 20th High School Reunion, which is why I don’t see myself going to this one.
So if you want to skip to the end: How to Survive your High School Reunion as an Introvert- just don’t go.
Please note there are many points of view when it comes to any event… These are mine and may only be slightly based on reality.
This has nothing to do with the hard work of all those people who planned and are taking time to make this an amazing event for those who attend. Which I’m sure it will be a great experience. I am not making light of their efforts or suggesting that anyone should not attend. This is a personal decision as an introvert based on my past experiences. Since I don’t live in the area, it takes more effort to attend, and I just think I’d rather put the effort into doing something else, or going someplace else.
Growing Up in the “1900’s” -You Had a Computer?!?
When I decided to attend my 20th high school reunion in 2004, I had grandiose ideas of reconnecting with old friends and reminiscing about old times. Seeing how everyone was doing. My parents always commented about my friends in high school and what a tight knit group we were. Now for those who don’t understand- this is a Gen-X* thing. When Gen-Xer’s left for college, we tended to lose contact with anyone and everyone we went to high school with, especially if you were an introvert. You see, we didn’t have phones attached to our hands, email had not been invented, neither had social media. Texting? ZOOM? Video Chats/Facetime? Nope, those things did not exist. Unless you attended the same university (many of my friends did just that) if you saw friends it would only be over breaks. If you communicated with them, it would be by letter. If you had time or the will to write one. Many friends you would look up their address or phone number in the “Phone Book” a magical tome that contained information about people in your town… Not in town? Tough luck. When home you could drive to their house, but knowing the actual address?!? That and they were at school, so unless you exchanged information… The funny thing about parents, then kids leave for college, sometimes parents move. Let me repeat this- we didn’t have phones, or the internet to help us keep in contact or find people. Those things didn’t exist until after we graduated from college. I recall visiting my parents and getting a few pieces of mail including a wedding invitation for a friend- the wedding had occurred months before I was given the invitation, my parents never thought of forwarding it to me.
As for how did I learn about the 2004 reunion? I think it was on America Online (AOL) now considered the easiest way to determine if an email is coming from a very old person. In 2004 it was one of the biggest networks and with CDs at every BlockBuster and in every mailbox, AOL was the best way to get on the Internet and connect with people using this newfangled thing called “email.” It was a lot cooler than Prodigy.
Nostalgia is a Fuzzy Thing – Like a Tribble with Very Sharp Fangs
So in 2004 (The year “TheFacebook” started) Sue and I flew out to Los Angeles to attend two days of my class reunion. Friday was an evening event, and Saturday was a picnic for families. I should have know how it would go since I left my sport coat in my closet and had to buy one when I arrived. š
When you think back nostalgically about things, you tend to see yourself in the middle, and maybe not the most important part, but at least a part of the action. I realized after about 10 minutes, that I was a nobody. Sure there were people who remembered me (and I didn’t immediately remember them). There were people who I remembered, and we chatted until, someone they REALLY wanted to talk to walked by. After about 30- 45 minutes of “mingling” I called my brother, Mike, to see about getting together the next day. By this time I did have a cell phone (it was a flip phone… the first iPhone wouldn’t be released for three more years).
I was not involved in much during high school. I rarely attended events. I recall attending one concert from an up and coming band. I had been a part of some clubs- Model United Nations, and I think Interact Service Club, and maybe some others (they look good on college applications) even then I was usually hiding in the background (never in a leadership position) but by Senior year I had kinda disappeared completely. I had gotten my first job while in middle school and had worked until after graduation. I worked at the family business (a t-shirt store), and then at a pre-school/Daycare Center once I turned 18. My senior year I actually took a bunch of Independent Study or Advanced Projects classes while getting pulled to work most days.
While in college I would fly into town in the morning, and then work at a Child Development Center until closing. Continuing to work pretty much every day (except weekends and holidays) until I returned to college. My friends rarely contacted me, I think we were on different schedules (at least that’s a good excuse). I was invited to a holiday party once or twice, unfortunately I had to work the next day so I had to leave early. I do recall driving a friend back to their college since I had “Winter Term” (my school gave us the month of January to do off campus study- I taught at a private school and lived with my parents for two of them) so I was available to help. That’s probably the only person I’m still in more than “Facebook says it’s your birthday” communication with over social media, he’s also an educator so we speak the same language. Although e teaches at a High School so he speaks with a slight accent.
When you stand around a crowded room full of people you’re supposed to know, you have time to reflect. I recalled weekends where I would call my friends on Friday night and see if anything was going on, be told “No, but if it changes we’ll let you know” then find out about what amazing things everyone did that weekend (together) over lunch on Monday. “Oh, it just sort of happened.” I still remember being abandoned at Grad Night and wandering through the crowds at Disneyland, alone, for what seemed like hours. I was the loser nerd with no friends, everyone else in groups having fun except me. I’ve said that most of the people I hung around with in high school were the “smart kids” and joked that I was their token dumb kid. I wasn’t dumb, but I wasn’t in any Honors or AP classes because I just didn’t push myself. Ask around- AP Studio Art doesn’t count. My parents were just happy I could have graduated early. As I said I am “friends” with some on social media and some of them post photos of the group during high school. Funny thing, I’m not in almost any of the photos they post. I actually started thinking that the stuff I did in high school was all in my imagination and that the things I thought I did, didn’t really happen. The reunion just made those beliefs seem even more accurate.
At the 20th reunion most people only talk about their kids or their successful career (mostly their successful kids). Sue and I don’t have kids, and I was an elementary school teacher, a not so impressive career, especially for the Southern California crowd. After a few “lite” chats with people, I think less than a handful. The evening ended for me when they had a group photo taken of the class. I thought this was my chance to see who was there of my friends that I couldn’t find in the mob and reconnect… As two people who I had always thought of as “good friends” during high school walked by, I said “Hi!” and they looked over and just continued to walk on, heading to their already full table. No reaction- since we hadn’t seen each other in at least 16 years I guess I was expecting something more- silly me. Funny thing- I never got a copy or even the offer to buy a copy of that group photo.
After that Sue and I left the event, headed to a nearby bar, had a beer and nachos and went back to my parent’s house. I had a great time with my brother the next day (avoiding the picnic) and I only think about high school when silly things like reunions come up or I see that sport coat.
Being an Introvert
I say I’m an Introvert- which means I feel more comfortable alone, or with only a few select people. However, while I pride myself on being a “geek” (See Diagram) If I’m truly honest with myself I’m a “nerd.” I really am inept when it comes to social interactions. I don’t know how to have “small talk.” I don’t have enough experience in social situations to not come across as awkward. Maybe this is a partially a result of being an introvert, maybe it has other origins. For many of us being around people is hard, but as an introvert with a bit of social anxiety it is also exhausting.
As an introvert it’s not that I’m shy, or stuck up, or whatever. It just takes me a while to feel comfortable with people. Basically, if I’m chatty around you- then I consider you someone I feel safe around, or you’re talking about something I am passionate about. Unfortunately, I have too many experiences in which I thought I could open up to someone only to find out I was wrong, and I was instead considered, weird, or even repulsive. Someone who nobody really wanted to be around. Memories of high school just reinforced those feelings, reunions of any kind do the same thing… it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not looking for sympathy, just want people to understand. Not everyone gets excited about social things. For me they are extremely uncomfortable. It’s not that I don’t want to connect or reconnect with friends, it’s just I feel that for many people, they feel an obligation to be “nice” when they really have other “more important” things to do than spend time with me. When I would return to Los Angeles I would spend time with my parents and I wasn’t about to try to guilt people into meeting by posting I’m in town on social media. This also occurs when I travel, I might be in your town, but I won’t bother you with a “Let’s get together!” You have your life and you don’t need to worry about me. I don’t want to be a burden.
I wasn’t always an introvert… really, it came about due to little things. Before third grade I was that kid who was loud and obnoxious always wanting to be in the limelight (or at least that’s how I remember it) Smart enough to know that when kids teased me about not being able to say my favorite color “purple” I just called it “violet” and moved on- the crayon had both words on it and I could say one of them. I was retained in 3rd grade (they said I was immatureš) and spent a year being teased about being stupid and how I “flunked.” I was teased by people who I now realize weren’t that smart, but they needed to feel good about themselves and I was an easy target. I spent a lot of my childhood by myself, reading or in “Imaginative play,” my parents were busy with other things. Fortunately they spoiled me enough with things to play with. I also had my share of imaginary friends growing up. This and my love of comic books and science fiction put me in the “weird” category. I would talk about strange things that I thought were awesome, and most people didn’t. I wasn’t into sports. I was skinny, had glasses and braces until high school. I tried too hard, and failed for the most part. Over time I learned it was easier to just disappear and let everyone else talk, because I’d get weird looks and giggles if I opened my mouth, still do. When I’m excited I won’t shut up and that’s when people see me as weird and want to run away. For the most part growing up I was happy in my own little world, and still am. My old extroverted self comes out every once in a while, but usually only when I hide behind a small stuffed monkey – and I don’t care if people think I’m weird or strange. Hiding behind a small stuffed monkey is both weird & strange although I do prefer the word “eccentric.” If only I had enough money to actually earn the label.
As For Going to Your Reunion – You Be You
As for me, It may seem like a shock, but I’m scheduled to work at the LEGO Store that day. When I get home, I might raise a glass to the class of 1984, but probably just sit back and snuggle with Bailey & Issi watching Sue knit while reading something stupid or watching something stupid on TV. Much better than hiding in the corner of a loud room listening to people laugh and talk about how great things were in high school and not remembering it at all. I do hope those in attendance have a wonderful time- post lots of photos of people I don’t remember, want to forget, or wish I could have said “Hi!” to but probably would have been ignored by them.
To Mr. Calkins, Herr Olsen, Mr. Baxter, and Mr. Costantini (many of whom are viewing this from another plane of existence) thank you for shaping me, and supporting me while I was your student. In some cases you pushed me, in others you let me be me and supported my geekiness. For the record, Mr. Calkins taught Math and Science Fiction. I only took one of his classes (and it wasn’t Math)š½. He sold comics to me and made me feel that It was OK to be a geek. I painted my senior mural on his door. Herr Olsen- was my German teacher for three years, after a horrible freshman year trying out French and touch typing. I have no hand-eye coordination and ask Sue or anyone who has had the misfortune of dating me (all three of you.), I’m not romantic. My French teacher actually told me to drop the class at the semester or he’d change my D to an F. Herr Olsen was one of the only teachers I felt comfortable enough to write down, when he asked “What grade should you receive?” “An A, because you’ve never given me one.” I was always a few points shy, and he didn’t give me a A even when I asked.š To Mr. Baxter, who was the other teacher I felt confident enough to question and supported my love of Arthur Conan Doyle. He also taught Media Studies which allowed me to talk about films and even try out making one or two. Finally Mr. Costantini who after Back to School Night looked at me dumbfounded and asked if I was really related to my older brother… š± I was very successful in his International Relations class, and my brother hadn’t been successful at all in his Government class. He couldn’t believe we were related. There were many other teachers not just from when I was in high school but, like I said, I have a really bad memory.
Again, I’m not looking for sympathy, or apologies, I’m just wanting to give a take on reunions from a different point of view. Some people have wonderful high school experiences, some think they did, until they reflect. For those who have wonderful memories of high school and lifelong friends… I’m happy for you.
*The first rule of Gen-X is we don’t talk about Gen-X.
